Attuning to an Internal Locus of Celebration (reparenting for those praised with an external locus of control)
January 27th, 2024: Article Published for The Reinvention Series, Written by Charlotte Jade Askew
Photo by Evie S
Often, the remedy for integrating our validation seeking tendencies (along with an ever-too-familiar, unquenchable desire to please) begins by developing an inner locus of control.
In this piece, we’re exploring the effects of effort-based praised — answering the questions:
What happens to a child’s capacity to problem solve and cultivate resilience when we shift the focus of praise towards effort in place of outcome? And what happens when our methods of praise look at how something was achieved as opposed to just what was achieved?
Written by Charlotte Jade Askew
(click here to read about the writer)
Welcome to The Reinvention Series.
When someone asks you about your childhood, what do you typically say?
At a glance, I used to say mine was good. Probably in much the same way I responded to the question: How are you?
I had a roof over my head, two parents who worked and put food on the table. It seemed like a very ordinary childhood. So, when I began studying psychology and a professor recommended that we each begin our own personal therapy — if we hadn’t already — my response was initially incredulous. I don’t have anything to process. I thought. My childhood was normal.
And it was, though I no longer use the term “normal” in such a way. It is, after all, a rather unhelpful façade in our world of persistent ambiguity. But my childhood was, nevertheless, rather uneventful, which is more accurately what I mean.
Sure, my parents fought, my siblings and I hassled each other, and we had very little money, but no one went without food, and no one was beaten or lost in some catastrophic event. All things considered, I was remarkably fortunate.
Photo by Ruslan Bardash
Here is what we’re covering in this article:
*click below to navigate directly to the section you wish to read
1. So why would I need therapy?
2. Mental programming through praise
5. Approval seeking and people pleasing
6. An internal locus of control
7. An external locus of control
8. Orienting to the possibility of change
9. The generous present moment
10. Orienting to an internal locus of love and celebration
Photo by Mathilde Langevin
So why would I need therapy?
isn’t there a logical connection between a child’s praise and self-esteem?
What I came to realize throughout my studies and my own therapy (which I did thankfully pursue) is that you don’t have to have experienced a traumatic childhood to be adversely affected by the way you were raised.
Trauma unequivocally leaves lasting wounds, and I by no means diminish the difficulties that arise throughout a lifetime as a result. But we can also experience difficulties in adulthood based on the programs that were imprinted in our brains simply by the way that we were raised.
I started to grasp and think more deeply about the nuances of this when I began training as a play therapist and diving into child development theory and research. Language and communication are primarily achieved through play in this therapeutic approach, so the verbal words that are used are chosen very specifically to bring about a particular understanding in the child. For example, one of the things that we don’t do in play therapy is praise the child.
When I learned this, my initial reaction was again somewhat incredulous. But why not praise children? I’d been praised. I tended to praise most children I interacted with, making comments like ‘that’s a very pretty dress’ or ‘you did such a good job!’. Isn’t there a logical connection between praise and a child’s self-esteem? Aren’t we just trying to make them feel good?
Photo by Evie S
Mental programming through praise:
kindling a desire to please
What we now know from research in child development is that praise in the typical manner we perceive it can engender a desire to please and/or receive more praise in children.
Praising phrases such as ‘great work!’ or ‘good girl!’ focus on the outcome — the end result the adult is pleased with, which is essentially the adult’s version of good behaviour. What a child starts to learn from this kind of praise is that the adult’s thoughts/ideas/opinions are important and the standard of what is acceptable. (Not always a bad thing! But what happens when it’s in reference to something the child has created?)
Perhaps the adult says, ‘That’s such a beautiful picture. I love those colours.’ The child’s focus is drawn to the adult’s idea of what is beautiful and the adult’s favourite colours. If this is repeated over time, the child might start to prioritize what the adult thinks, wants, or likes rather than learning to decide for themselves what is beautiful or what they themselves like.
Photo by Alexandra Krivitskiy
Outcome-based praise:
when results are positioned above process
The focus is placed on what the child created rather than the effort, time, and energy they put into the creation. The praise is outcome-based rather than process-based. What this does is orient the child toward the end result.
Rather than emphasizing how they got there, this kind of praise encourages the child to make an assessment of what they have done or completed based on someone else’s opinion.
This, in turn, reinforces one of two things over time: That they must always achieve the ‘right’ outcome to receive praise from their parents and that they should produce more of those outcomes.
This may not necessarily always be an undesirable approach, but let’s consider an example of how this may apply to praising a child’s A grade. What happens emotionally for the child when they inevitably achieve a B or C grade at some point? The child may internalize this result as a reflection of their worth — deciding that, because they have not met the desired outcome, they have failed. Had the child received encouragement for the effort and energy they put into study, rather than just the end result, they would be less likely to feel frustrated and disappointed in themselves and more likely to keep studying and persevere for the next test.
Photo by Mathilde Langevin
Process-based praise:
recognizing and reinforcing the strengths of the child
As a play therapist, I refer to this as process-based praise or, more often, strengths-based recognition, e.g., ‘You worked so hard on those flashcards and studied as often as you could.’ Stated in this way, the praising statement recognizes and reinforces the strengths of the child and focuses on the elements of the situation that are under their control — the effort and energy involved.
This method of praise looks at how something was achieved as opposed to just what was achieved. The focus then detaches from the outcome and becomes process and effort-based, reinforcing the child’s capacity to problem-solve and persist.
Ultimately this infuses their development with an internal locus of control.
Photo by Gabrielle Henderson
Approval seeking and people pleasing:
the impact of how you were responded to and the vast possibility for unlearning
We’re about to touch on exactly what approval seeking and people pleasing mean, but let’s first take a moment to consider the implications of what we’ve already discussed.
Habits of people pleasing, seeking approval and persistence in adulthood are related to how you were responded to as a child. You might have previously thought of these tendencies as being a part of your personality, inherent to who you are, but these are learned experiences, and whilst they are not limited to childhood, they often originate there. The reason this is so important is because learned experiences can be unlearned, and new ways of being can be integrated in their place.
Photo by Taylor Deas Melesh
An internal locus of control:
trusting in one’s own inner sense
An internal locus of control diminishes approval-seeking (and people-pleasing!) behaviour and returns the responsibility to the child or individual in the sense that they are able to focus on their abilities and capacity and then apply those to future tasks. I’m sure you’ve already gathered how helpful that approach might be as an adult.
Someone with an internal locus of control typically utilizes problem-solving and exhibits persistence. They don’t feel the need to look to others for approval or direction and trust in their own inner sense of what they need and want. Most of all, they believe they are capable of being an agent of change in their own lives.
Photo by Mathilde Langevin
An external locus of control:
it’s in the way praise is phrased
If you were raised with the opposite, an external locus of control, which may have occurred simply through the way your parents chose to phrase their praise, you may find it difficult to persist with challenging tasks. You may crave reward and recognition and constantly feel the need for it if it isn’t given. You may place a high value on outcomes but frequently feel under-acknowledged. And you may limit yourself in your beliefs about what’s possible for you when it comes to affecting change in your own life.
Something as simple as a parent repeatedly praising the pictures you painted as a child by commenting on how beautiful they are and how pretty the colours look could have reinforced the idea for you that the most important thing is how the picture turns out, not the time and effort you put into it. Therefore, when you try tasks as an adult and can’t get them to look the way you believe they should, you become disenchanted and frustrated and might notice feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy.
Photo by Sixteen Miles Out
Orienting to the possibility of change:
finding the root in the locus of control
All this to say, sometimes, something as small as the way we were praised as a child can impact how we operate in the world as adults. The tendency to be perfectionistic, to give up easily or to believe things are outside of your control can find its root in the locus of control you were raised to adopt.
Let’s be very clear: most of our parents were doing the absolute best that they could with the tools, knowledge, and resources that they had. I truly believe that. People are doing the best they can. They are often just limited by their own experiences, emotional blockages, resources, and knowledge.
And let’s be honest, collectively, we have learned so much since I was a child (I mean, mobile phones didn’t even exist back then. Hello, touch screens? Bluetooth? What are those??). Lamenting the knowledge and research that was not done or available at the time achieves little.
Photo by Caique Nascimento
The generous present moment:
this is where we have the capacity to create change
Our power lies in the now, in this very moment that we sit here — me now and you at whichever time you come to read this.
The present is the only thing ever guaranteed to us. This is where we have the capacity to create change. And you have the authority to reparent yourself, even if just partially, and orient to an internal locus of love and celebration.
Photo by Evie S
Orienting to an internal locus of love and celebration
how does one do that?
Let’s begin very simply by beginning to praise ourselves for the process.
At the end of each day, set some time aside to reflect:
How can you celebrate yourself today for something you achieved — however small it may be?
How can you recognise the process rather than the outcome?
What kind of energy and effort did you put in?
To make this a more deliberate act and reinforce it for your brain, write down your answers and start creating a record of recognition for yourself every evening.
Photo by Fleaur Kaan
Acknowledgement and recognition:
exploring our relationship with self
Now, explore how often you reward or recognize yourself. And that doesn’t just mean binging on a food you love because you’ve held off sugar for a few days. How do you truly recognize yourself for the effort and energy you put into your career, your hobbies, yourself, and your relationships? We can often spend so much time waiting for someone to show us appreciation or acknowledge us that we forget that’s also something we can do for ourselves.
How about when you’ve worked hard on a project at work or when you go to a yoga class for the first time after putting it off for weeks because you were anxious? Do you acknowledge how challenging that was for you and how you overcame it anyway? How do you acknowledge it if you do? Is it mere noticing, or do you celebrate?
Photo by Mathilde Langevin
Fulfilling your emotional needs:
acknowledging the fundamentals
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I encourage you to explore the following fundamental human needs and where they are being met (or not met) in your life.
On a very basic level, aside from our physical needs, when we come into this world as an infant, we want a few basic things:
To know that we matter.
To know that we’re significant.
To know that we’re lovable.
And to know that we’re enough.
Think about those four things. Are you waiting for someone else to give those things to you? Are you seeking love and validation outside of yourself? We all do at some time or another, but how often have you thought about affirming those things for yourself?
We can wake up every morning, look ourselves in the eye and say:
I am safe to express my needs, feelings, and desires.
I’ve got something of innate value to offer and share with the world.
I am loveable just as I am.
I do matter.
I am significant.
I can celebrate myself.
Each of those is deeply nourishing — and fundamentally true. You have those things inside you, you may just not have learned to orient to them as a child. That doesn’t mean you can’t now. Set yourself up with a timeframe; try saying each of those things to yourself in the mirror every day for two weeks and see how you feel.
Every program in our brain began as a series of repeated practices or affirmations. Give your brain some new commands to learn. Build some new pathways. The more often you repeat these, the deeper they will sink and the more reinforced they will become. You’ll even find you start to believe them.
Article Written by Charlotte Jade Askew, In-House Writer at Casey Jacque
Charlotte is a Writer, Play Therapist, and Energetic Psychology Coach living in rural Texas. Born and raised on the rugged West Australian Coastline, she is a holistic practitioner, working with the conscious and subconscious mind to cocreate transformative, mindbody healing. Her affinity for being out-of-doors rather than in, means it’s likely that when she’s not with clients or writing, you’ll find her with her horses or barefoot, sipping organic coffee.
Let’s Connect! Instagram: @inner_chatter
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