A Gentle Holiday Guidebook for Managing Expectations (Here’s How to Set Exquisite Boundaries)
Article Published for The Reinvention Series Collection — Written by Charlotte Jade Askew
Photo by Myrelene Numa
Today we’re uncovering a process that explores expectation management and returns us to self-responsibility. We’ll explore how communicating boundaries is most effective (and authentic) when done so from a place of kindness, compassion, and honesty. Practising this skillset inevitably creates the opportunity for healthier relational patterns… so let’s dive in.
Photo by Mathilde Langevin
Welcome to The Reinvention Series.
I’d like to take a pause from the glamour and hype of the holiday season. Don’t worry, I’m not the Grinch, Christmas is actually my favourite time of year, but I won’t pretend that it’s not also incredibly challenging and, in many moments, just as stressful as it is enjoyable.
It’s not often that we make space at this time of year to talk about the increased demands on our time (and finances!), nor the stress of familial relationships or the many competing priorities. There are expectations from family and friends, adding seasonal events in the calendar, and navigating where to go and how to divvy up spending time. All of which can also mean pressure to spend on new outfits, food, and gifts. Not to mention the décor!
Photo by Kateryna Hliznitsova
Here is what we’re covering in this article:
1. Navigating societal pressures and familial expectations during the Christmas season
2. Actively taking responsibility for your energy in group dynamics and holiday gatherings
3. Framing self-trust and confidence as trainable skills
4. A 3-part process for practising confidence
5. Creating sustainable change in your relationship patterns: celebrating yourself in the micro-moments
6. Keeping promises to yourself: building your self-image
7. Fact checking: the power of the stories we tell ourselves
8. Journal Prompt Check-In (pattern interrupt!)
9. Upholding our personal standards and core values without trying to control other people’s behaviour
10. Communicating our boundaries (it’s not about enforcing rules)
11. A 3-step framework to guide your process: acknowledge, communicate, and follow through
12. The power of choice and response: circling back to internal authority and acceptance
Photo by Mathilde Langevin
Stealthy expectations:
let’s dive right in, shall we?
The expectation to be perfect during this time of year can run high. Do it all, have it all, and be it all, to everyone. That can leave us burned out pretty quickly, with a bit of a bad taste in our mouths, in a season that is designed to centre on love, connection, and gratitude.
This poses the question:
How do we safeguard ourselves if we can’t control other people’s behaviour?
While we certainly hold the power of choice, it’s not as though we decide how many events we get invited to or create the societal pressure to decorate. This is a season already well established in its traditions, including the ones unique to each of our familial units.
We cannot control other people's expectations of us during this time, but there is still plenty we can do.
Photo by Nachelle Nocom
Taking true responsibility for your energy:
intentionally staying connected to ourselves actually opens the floodgates for us to connect more deeply with those we spend time with.
Gatherings are dynamic and beautiful, but they’re also nuanced. The process of protecting our energy begins with knowing who we are and being able to exist within the ‘truth’ of that.
That doesn’t mean we bulldoze everyone else’s needs and desires; it means we are willing to express in a confident manner, in a way that prioritizes self-compassion (and self-honouring) just as deeply as it emphasizes open-heartedness and understanding. It means having the confidence to know what we need is just as valuable as what someone else needs, and we are deeply worthy of communicating what is important to us.
What you desire to experience (and what you intuitively feel you need), may not align with what other people think you should be doing. Even those who do not typically exhibit dominating personality traits can end up placing their expectations upon others.
This means you’re going to have to sit in the drivers seat — you’re going to have to teach yourself to actively and consciously consider what you actually want, rather than what you think you should do.
Setting an intention before entering a group dynamic can be helpful, but if you find yourself in a moment of overwhelm, try interrupting your thoughts with this question:
Am I doing this because I authentically want to, or because I think I have to?
Photo by Mario Scheibl
Self-trust is confidence:
from an abstract concept to an evolving and trainable skillset.
Confidence comes from a place of self-trust, knowing that regardless of what may come, you trust yourself to get through. This doesn’t protect you from pain or challenging events and interactions, rather it is the knowledge that you trust yourself to navigate it, come what may.
Confidence is a trainable skill. It truly is a myth that you are either a confident person or you’re not.
Training confidence part 1 — celebrate yourself:
A very human tendency is to focus on the flaws, to fixate on what we wish was different. This is a focus on lack, on what is not enough, and teaches your mind and body to live in this energy. We often speak about the deeper repatterning processes, but mental fortitude is still important. Actively take time to situate your mind within a celebration of yourself. This can be as simple as writing down three things you’re proud of yourself for at the end of every day. Maybe your coffee order came out wrong and you had the courage to go back and ask for the correct one. Maybe you said no to something you otherwise would have agreed to just to please the person asking.
It doesn’t have to be ground-breaking moments or life-changing stuff. In fact, it’s more powerful when you recognize these micro-moments, for it is the micro-moments that accumulate to create powerful, sustainable change. If you start recognizing the tiny things you do each day as a valid source of pride, you’ll start to notice a shift in how you relate to (and feel) about yourself.
Photo by Kateryna Hliznitsova
Training confidence part 2 — keeping your promises:
mitigating the microtears that deteriate your sense of self-worth.
When you tell yourself you want to do something, denoting it is important enough to you that you decide you want to commit to it, even something as simple as you’re going to get up at 6:00 AM, you are making a promise to yourself. If you don’t keep that promise (maybe you hit snooze every five minutes for an hour) you’re sending a strong message to your subconscious mind. It might feel like it doesn’t matter, like it’s a small thing and nothing is drastically changed by it, but ultimately, the accumulation of tiny moments like this (here’s the power of those micro-actions again) cements into your self-image the knowledge that you cannot trust yourself — que feelings of disappointment and inadequacy. You are essentially training a lack of confidence in yourself.
Try making realistic agreements with yourself in the first place, things that you can follow through on. If you’re up until 1:00 AM, it’s going to be pretty hard for you to stick to that 6:00 AM wake-up. Rearrange the agreement with yourself for that next morning, and then you can implement a plan to support the 6:00 AM wake-up the following day (e.g., an earlier bedtime). Set reasonable expectations of yourself and stick to them, and you’ll legitimately begin training yourself to trust yourself.
Photo by Ana Itonishvili
Training confidence part 3 — fact checking:
the power of the stories we tell ourselves.
What we imagine to be true about ourselves (or what we imagine other people are thinking about us) has a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves. A lot of what often gets us down, are the ideas we have about what other people are thinking, which is something we don’t actually have control over and have no way of knowing for sure, thus imagining becomes a form of self-torture. Why go around in circles in your mind when you have no way of confirming if what you’re worrying over is even true? It’s time to jump off that merry-go-round. (Your confidence depends on it.)
Journal Prompts — When you find yourself imagining negative things about yourself ask the following questions:
What is the story I’m telling myself?
How much evidence do I have for it?
Is this person’s opinion important to me?
If so, do I feel emotionally safe in receiving their feedback? (Do I trust their capacity to deliver feedback in a constructive and considerate way?)
Photo by Katie Azi
Confidence becomes the route to boundaries:
upholding our standards and values (because there is no guarantee).
Now, just because you’re “doing the work” on yourself and actively aiming to respect other people’s needs and wishes, there is no guarantee that others will do the same for you. Setting boundaries is how we uphold our standards and values when it comes to relating and interacting.
Like we mentioned earlier, other people have their own expectations, and we cannot control their behaviour. (Let’s get that really clear from the beginning.) Boundaries are not about us trying to control how other people behave. We can’t do that, nor is it our responsibility or right to (unless you’re a parental role, or the law). People will do what they do, relate how they relate, and it’s not our job to change them. What is our right, and in many ways our obligation, is our own safety (both emotional and physical) and degree of joy — and we are absolutely allowed to create a life that prioritizes and protect that, especially when we bring a healthy dose of empathy and curiosity.
How do we do that? Healthy boundaries. A boundary itself does not change behaviour, but implementing the boundary and following through on it, changes who has access to you, and to what degree that have access to you in this chapter of your life. How you manage the way you relate (the boundary), is how you manage your expectations, standards, and level of contentment.
People get to be who they are, and act as they wish, and we get to decide to what extent we want them to show up in our lives based on that.
Photo by Mathilde Langevin
Communicating our personal boundaries (it’s not about enforcing rules):
self-discovery allows us to evolve, and with that evolution, our relationships evolve.
It is your right to know and seek what you authentically need in relationship with others. This is often unveiled in a process of deep diving into self-discovery. You might begin by unearthing your values. This will help you get clear on the standards you live by and the expectations you have for others… because “setting boundaries” comes from a place of intimately knowing where you stand.
Remember — it’s not about enforcing rules or changing behaviour. Communicating boundaries is most effective (and authentic) from a place of kindness, compassion, and honesty.
*To explore a process of unwrapping your self-expression, check out our article on Demystifying Authenticity: The Deconditioning Process to Nurture Your Self-Expression.
Photo by Alsu Vershinina
Formula step 1 — acknowledge:
try on this holiday-sized formula.
Step 1: Acknowledge the other person’s feelings, wishes, and wants e.g., “I’m hearing that you’re really upset and angry right now because you were joking around...”
This clarifies your understanding of that person’s communication and supports them to feel seen, heard, and understood. I know that may not be what you feel like doing, but it is the fastest way to begin a healthy discussion and de-escalate tension. Approaching the conversation from this space demonstrates compassion, and you may be surprised by how much more open and receptive the person becomes to the boundary. Ultimately, people are allowed to feel the way they feel, whether we think it is justified or not. What we get to decide is how we make space for (or don’t make space for) them to show up in our lives.
Photo by Polina Kuzuvokova
Formula step 2 — communicate:
heightened energy triggers heightened energy.
Step 2: Communicate the boundary e.g., “…but I feel small when you make comments like that and put me down in front of the rest of our family. I know you think it’s a joke, but it hurts my feelings; please stop.”
The boundary is a statement, put forward in a gentle but assertive manner. You mean it — be firm but not aggressive. Heightened energy triggers heightened energy in others and may spiral the conversation into an unhealthy and ineffective argument. Start from a place of communicating how you feel and then move to the outcome that you desire. It can be really helpful to take the time and space to get clear with yourself on what the boundary is before entering into a conversation to communicate it. This allows you the time and space to think through what you want to say and how you want to communicate it, whilst avoiding the fluster and emotion that can make communication and thought processing difficult in a charged conversation.
Photo by Seemi Samuel
Formula step 3 — follow-through:
the through-line of choice, response, and completion.
Step 3: Decide on your follow-through. This means working out how you’re going to respond if the boundary is not respected. If the other person does not agree with or deliberately acts in opposition to the boundary, you are in a position to choose how you want to proceed in that relationship. Choosing what to do in this space is not about retribution or punishment for the other person; it’s about self-respect.
There are many nuanced scenarios where we will “imperfectly” navigate the dynamics of a situation to the best of our nervous system’s ability in a particular moment, but we cannot bypass the importance of our choices.
Coming from a place of self-love (and intelligent relating), the choice is this:
In now knowing that this is how this person behaves (i.e. failing to respect your stated values and needs), how do you want to allow them to continue to show up in your life? Do you need space from that person? Do you want to limit their ability to get in contact with you? Will you only meet with them when someone you love and respect is also present to assist in mediating? Is there a deeper element of curiosity you could bring to this scenario? *Remember to choose a follow-through that does not rely on the person changing their behaviour. This can be difficult, but it’s important to remember we cannot change someone or control their behaviour. What we can do is bear witness to their behaviour, communicate our boundaries, and then decide based on their behaviour how we want to interact with them (or in some cases, not interact with them) in the future.
Photo by Wesley Gibbs
The most wonderful time of the year can be a layered experience:
developing your confidence and practicing your unique framework does not offer a guarantee, but it does denote what you are available for.
The holiday season can be an incredibly trying time and this process of boundary-setting may be especially challenging at this time of year. Emotions can run high, many of us are stressed and fatigued, and for some, it can be the first time they’ve seen certain family members in a long time. But neither the time of year nor a blood relationship, are an excuse for behaviour that is disrespectful. Developing your confidence and practicing healthy boundaries will not guarantee a stress-free holiday season (there are no guarantees) but it will support you to feel on a position of internal authority of your experiences and deeper integrity in your relationships. You are allowed to protect yourself by honouring your needs and values. Don’t run into the trap of expecting other people to automatically do this (they might not). You get to decide where you stand, what you’re available for, and where your standards are for your relationships.
Article Written by Charlotte Jade Askew, In-House Writer at Casey Jacque
Charlotte is a Writer, Play Therapist, and Energetic Psychology Coach living in rural Texas. Born and raised on the rugged West Australian Coastline, she is a holistic practitioner, working with the conscious and subconscious mind to cocreate transformative, mindbody healing. Her affinity for being out-of-doors rather than in, means it’s likely that when she’s not with clients or writing, you’ll find her with her horses or barefoot, sipping organic coffee.
Let’s Connect! Instagram: @inner_chatter
